i know if i just eat 1 meal a day for the next week, ill drop 5 pounds, and then ill start working out at the gym, so itll put me more in shape

Ive told others I don’t want to be in a relationship because I don’t need someone else in my life, that I’m fine on my own, that I don’t have the time or have the effort to be in a relationship. I’ve told this so many time to people, when really I’ve just been saying it to convince myself.
I NEED someone to be there for me, I NEED someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay, I NEED someone.
I’m jealous of all the people who do find love. I’m jealous of the people who get to be with the one they love. But in my mind, love doesn’t exIst. Seeing my parents fight constantly has made me get to the conclusion that love isn’t real.
Love isn’t mutual, not really. Love is temporary. Love is fake. Love doesn’t exist.
So if I am so certain that love doesn’t exist, why am I so hungry to find it?